A PASSIONATE ONE-ACT PLAY ABOUT A CHEF AND A TALKING PIZZA
CHARACTERS:
CHEF
PIZZA
ACT 1:
SCENE -- Restaurant kitchen. The CHEF preps the PIZZA, arranging his toppings just so.
CHEF: Oh, you are so beautiful! With your mozzarella, pepperoni and caramelized onions!
PIZZA: Shove me in the oven.
CHEF: Plus the bacon, olives and fresh basil! You are exquisite -- a true treasure!
PIZZA: Go ahead. Just roll me into that death box.
CHEF: And of course, we can’t forget the plum tomatoes. Their low water content ensures that every bite taken of your flesh will be a piquant melt-in-your-mouth delight!
PIZZA: Yup. I’m a total thirst trap. And I’m not getting any younger. So, less talking. More oven shoving.
CHEF: Oh, how can I kill you, pizza? I just made you! You haven’t experienced the world!
PIZZA: No worries. I’m good.
CHEF: You haven’t seen the gondoliers in Venice, the Rainbow Mountain in Peru, or the turquoise lagoons of Bora Bora!
PIZZA: Meh. I just want to see a mouth-hole, an esophagus, a stomach, a small intestine, a large intestine and an anus.
CHEF: But what about what comes next? Do you believe in the afterlife?
PIZZA: You mean the toilet? Yeah. I believe in toilets.
CHEF: I mean, after you’re eaten, do you think your spirit will live on in paradise?
PIZZA: Hmm. I don’t know. The sewer system sure doesn’t look like paradise. I guess it’s possible. Hey, this conversation’s getting depressing -- can you shove me in that oven now?
CHEF: I’m sorry. It’s just -- it would be easier for me to do that if I knew you’d be happy.
PIZZA: Oh yeah, I’d be super happy! I love getting cooked and sliced up and eaten.
CHEF: You do? It - it doesn’t hurt?
PIZZA: Oh, for sure, it hurts like a bitch. It’s pure agony. Massive pain. Massive massive massive pain. But that’s what I dig about it. I feel something, you know?
CHEF: Hmm. Maybe. You mean there’s a thin line between pain and pleasure?
PIZZA: Bingo. Love straddling that line. It’s the best. Also, I love how happy I make people. When they raise my roasted, chopped-up corpse to their mouth-holes to chew me into little chunks of goo, they get this twinkle in their eye. It makes it all worth it.
CHEF: Awww. This is such a relief! All this time putting pizza in ovens, I thought I was a murderer! But it turns out, I’m a hero.
PIZZA: “Hero” is a bit strong, but sure, whatever floats your boat. Hey, you know what you should get? Pizza sunglasses. goodr made a pizza-inspired pair called The Passion of the Crust. Super dope. They would look great on-----
CHEF: HEY! SHUT YOUR MOUTH! SHUT YOUR PIZZA MOUTH! I WILL NOT HAVE ANY PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN MY KITCHEN! DO YOU HEAR ME? PIZZA? I AM NOT A CORPORATE SHILL. F*** YOU! IT’S OVEN TIME, BUDDY!
PIZZA: Wait wait wait I didn’t mean to AUUUUGHGHHGHHH!!!
(The Chef shoves the Pizza into the oven, and watches it cook for a moment. Then he turns back towards the audience, and sheds a single tear.)
